Side comment: The only way this essay is truly entertaining is if you catch the references and puns through out. There are lots of references in this to books like 'Animal Farm' by Goerge Orwell and also some references to some famous historical events.

I must admit that I'm a bit inexperienced at writing such compositions based on myself. Just between you and me, it was a definite stretch for me to be putting a personal ad in the newspaper in the first place. You have to understand that I work in a home for those dubbed 'mentally impaired,' 'mentally unstable' or maybe even 'unable, due to perceptions beyond the common belief and outside the moral scope of those that think themselves to be of the norm.' It's most certain that my future soulmate is not just going to walk in the door any day. With a little hesitation I will claim that there was one wild, purely primitive, romance I had with a man that thought himself to be a fierce warrior raised by the wolves that howl at the moon when the darkness has captured the sky. But as you can imagine, I was overwrought and without sense at the time. You may think that is peculiar for me to work in such a place but when I was young my grandmother who raised me left an indelible impression upon me. At the early age of five, after I had introduced her to my imaginary friends, Pete and Dave, she never seemed to accept me as I should have been accepted. Until then, interaction had been bliss, but after that she put it in her brain to misunderstand everything that came out of my mouth. Then, she would further used her brain to misconstrue all I said completely into something pertaining to evil plots and would always send me to my room with a basket of sweet rolls. Which speaking of sweet rolls, I might as well tell you that I have a deep fascination with food and find sanctity in the grocery store. I've decided that the best way to explain myself would be by telling you about some personal experiences through out my life. I will do this because I'm a firm believer that your memories and experiences mold your person.

When I was born, my parents thought that I was so beautiful that I belonged to another. I'm not quite sure, but I guess that my mother was a some sort of fat woman with splotchy skin and a black uni-brow stretching from ear to ear. My father on the other hand I imagine to be short, stocky, prematurely balding, and missing an eye. Continuing with the story, because they had thought me to be otherworldly and unearthly beautiful, they had placed me at the steps of the church in the town of Newbury so that I might be closer to the splendid joy of God. I was told all of this by my grandmother, who took me as her own after having had a notorious affair with the creaking preacher of the church. I can't tell you exactly of my beauty because I'm colorblind but when I look in the mirror, I have soft gray skin with dark red eyes and lustrous dark brown hair with green streaks. In fact when I was young, people were so intimidated with my beauty that they averted their eyes at the sight of me.

At the ripened age of thirteen, I accompanied my friend, Alfred, to the city for the first time. At the time it had been a great occasion because I lived at Manor Farms, which was on the outskirts of civilization. Grandmother had finally rid herself of her drunken master of a husband. After he had gone, we had the power and were willing and ready to distribute equal amounts of privileges along with the equal amounts of chores among ourselves. I had worked hard and long, sweating day in and day out, and because of my hard work and dedication, I was sent to the city of Elmer with its sticky climate.

At the even more ripened age of fifteen, I married Alfred in the city of Elmer. In fact, I never actually left once I had arrived. I became the bubbling, happy homemaker along with three other wives and enjoyed the many pleasures of polygamy. In this setting, I soon became aware of the immense rash that had burst forth on my husband's face and rump. After this, I was barely able to look at him without gagging so I had grasp the idea of breaking from the chains of the situation. As it turns out, none of polygamy was legal, morally correct, or even legitimate in the eyes of all those that were not a part of it.

For the next ten years, I wandered and worked at any menial job that I could get my hands on. After that I met a Mr. Scopes in the little town of Dayton, Tennessee. He relieved me of my poverty and helped me to re-establish myself. Having once again found felicity, I soon became restless and tired of going round like the horse in the mill. Pretty soon he became obsessed with the idea of monkeys and some fellow name Darwin, so I just left. While I was there I had much gained some experience in origami so I had amassed some money.

With the money, I bought a one way trip to Tallahassee, Florida where I now live in the home. I have faired well, I suppose, even though the money does not seem as appreciative as it could be. Did I mention that I hardly sleep, and if and when I do, it always is in the lawn chair that resides in my garage where I read the funnies daily? Well it's not of much importance, but I've always thought that sleep was a waste of one's time. The only deplorable consequence is that my eyes are a bit sunken in which has in turn led my friends to nickname me 'Coony'. What can I say, I don't have the adoring fans or live the eccentric life as do some but I do consider myself to be special, in no specific terms. It is my fervent hope that by writing this I don't throw myself into the chaotic confines of Pandora's box but instead find a sort of romantic emancipation. After having given some color and shape to the shady figure of me that resides on your mind, I trust that we will go on a most delightful date.